Much Ado About Nothing
Kevin B. Burk, author of The Relationship Handbook: How to
Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life.
Iíve noticed of late that these articles have become more and more about whatís going on in my life and my own spiritual journey and less and less about illustrating or teaching relationship skills. Iím open to the possibility that by being open and vulnerable about my own journey that Iím actually being far more effective in communicating the skills and principles that I hope to share; however, the drawback to being brutally authentic is that I lose all perspective on how Iím being perceived. The more energy I direct to being myself, the less energy I have available to worry about how others are experiencing me.
This is not, in any way, a bad thing. It just makes writing these articles a little more awkward.
It was never my intention to use this column as a personal journal; Iíve considered creating a blog for that purpose from time to time. The thing is, Iíve made a commitment to write between twelve and eighteen new articles each year, and right now, what I have to share is less an article and more of a personal journal entry.
When we last left our intrepid hero (me), I was preparing for a menís sweat lodge ceremony and an initiation into manhood. The lodge was without a doubt, one of the most seminal, influential and significant events in my life. My experiences with the lodge, however, were deeply personal, and believe it or not, there are some things that I donít share in these articles, and this is one of them.
Since the lodge, however, my life has been in rather a state of flux. Having claimed the truth of who I am, I now find that Iím releasing everything in my life that no longer serves me, on every possible level. If I didnít know who I was before the sweat lodge, I certainly donít know who I am now. Iím shedding old beliefs, old values and old skins. Iím actively outgrowing my old selves, and frankly, itís a rather uncomfortable process.
Much of the discomfort has been physical. Iím releasing a tremendous amount of waste and toxins and God knows what else from my physical body. If youíve ever experienced a massive detox, you know it can be a very intense and often uncomfortable experience. Now, Iím pretty experienced with systems detox, and Iím reasonably in tune with my body, so Iíve been able to keep the discomfort to a minimum. Even so, Iím also very aware that I have to stay connected to my bodyís wisdom during this delicate process, because if Iím not careful, I could easily trigger a severe healing crisis.
Aware as I am of the fine line between authenticity and way too much information, I will decline to go into any specifics about the physical portion of my transformation. I have some difficult choices to make in terms of diet and nutrition over the next month (difficult because of my emotional attachments to certain foods), but Iím committed to this process and well supported in it. Still, the process has been (and will probably continue to be) a bit of a challenge for me for other reasons.
I am very clear that I am shifting and releasing lifetimes worth of toxins from my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual bodies. I am very aware that this process is ongoing, and that only one small part of it is occurring in the physical. Even so, itís a very intense, very draining process, and itís taking a great deal of energy. While a part of me is completely honoring this process, another part of me, the part that still clings to the social values that no longer serve me but that have yet to be fully replaced with a new set of values, is in active judgment because for the most part, all Iíve done since I got back from the sweat lodge is sleep, read, eat, meditate, and watch television, not necessarily in that order.
Iím very fortunate that I have the luxury of doing this with my time, and yet Iím also in the midst of some challenges in terms of finances (as old beliefs and values about money and lack rise up to be released). The judgment has something to do with the fact that I donít feel bad enough to not do anything productive with my time. Of course, when I check in with my higher wisdom, I become very clear that I absolutely choose path that Iím on, and that the path that I chose is the easy path. Iíd rather deal with the discomfort of some old, outmoded beliefs than to choose the hard path and create the kind of healing crisis that would justify my apparent lack of activity to these old beliefs.
Let me be clear about something, though: I am not depressed in any way. Iíve been depressed before, and this isnít it. What this is, however, I donít know. In the past, any time Iíve done this kind of intense, inner work, Iíve always been largely unconscious of it; either that, or itís been performed while I was in a descent process, experiencing and confronting my shadow. Iím actually quite excited about this process because I can almost taste how Iíll feel without all of this old, toxic baggage in my life. I am fully conscious of this process, and for the most part, I have also been fully present to it. I have a sense of the man that I am becoming, and he is truly magnificent. Perhaps what Iím experiencing is simply a birthing process.
I guess the point, if there is one, is that Iím committed to this process, even though this process may seem strange, self-indulgent, or even destructive when viewed from anotherís vantage point, filtered through the mainstream values of society. I donít know how long this process will last, or when Iíll next feel inspired to write. I simply felt that I wanted to check in, and let you know what was going on.
Kevin B. Burk is the author of
Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every
Relationship in Your Life.
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