Candice Bergen, and Family Relationships
Kevin B. Burk, author of The Relationship Handbook: How to
Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life.
I’m experiencing some challenges in my relationship
with Candice Bergen.
I recently started watching Boston Legal
on Sunday nights, because Candice Bergen had joined the cast.
(She joined the cast so that more people like me would start watching
Boston Legal on Sunday nights.) Like most Candice Bergen
fans, I mainly associate her with her character on Murphy Brown:
tough, smart, funny, sharp, no-punches-pulled, slightly over-the-top,
and definitely not someone you want to have angry with you. Even
the Vogue editor she played for a few episodes of Sex
and the City fit this mold.
While I’m certainly enjoying watching her on Boston
Legal, it’s been an interesting challenge for me, because
the character she plays, Shirley Schmidt, is different from Murphy
Brown. I expected her to be playing a larger-than-life version
of her usually type. Instead, we’re shown a very different Candice
Bergen, and I’m noticing that even after three episodes, I’m still
having to adjust my expectations.
Shirley Schmidt does embody all of the strong qualities
that Candice Bergen’s characters are famous for: brilliant, no-nonsense,
sharp and canny. But she’s also much softer and more compassionate
than I expect from her characters. This new character is still
Candice Bergen, but she’s a far more subtle and nuanced Candice
Bergen than I expected.
I realized this after the first episode. And yet,
I still expect her to behave in the way she did in Murphy Brown.
I expect her confrontation scenes to be bigger and louder and
broader, and I don’t expect to see her character as a layered
and multi-faceted person.
This is creating a certain amount of strain on
my relationship with Candice Bergen. I’m having to alter my expectations
of how she behaves, and who she appears to be as a person.
Sadly, I don’t actually have a personal relationship
with Candice Bergen. I simply have the same relationship to her
that millions of other television fans do. But even in this one-sided
relationship, I still have safety and validation needs, and this
change in her character is disrupting those needs. The fact that
she has evolved, that she is playing a different character requires
me to adjust my expectations and redefine my relationship with
her, and this makes me feel less safe in our relationship.
(At this point, in the interest of avoiding a restraining
order, let me state that I am only using Candice Bergen as an
In Hollywood, actors are, often arbitrarily, assigned
a “type.” We see an actor in a certain role, and identify her
with that role. The stronger the identification, the harder it
is for us to accept her in different roles. Actors constantly
struggle against “typecasting,” because once they’re seen as a
certain “type,” they find it more difficult to be cast in roles
that differ from this “type.”
Jim Carrey, for example, is a fine dramatic actor;
however, it’s taken him many years (and a number of baby steps)
to be able to be accepted in more serious roles, and audiences
still relate to him best when he’s being a clown.
But typecasting doesn’t just happen in Hollywood.
We also encounter typecasting in our family relationships.
For most of us, we first experience typecasting
because we’re the ones being typecast. Our families have an uncanny
knack for not recognizing how much we’ve evolved and matured as
individuals. No matter what our accomplishments, no matter how
much we’ve achieved, our parents and siblings invariably remember
us as we were in our most memorable (and usually our least favorite)
role from our childhood.
When we spend time with our families as adults,
we struggle against this typecasting. We try, in increasingly
less subtle ways, to get our families to recognize and relate
to us for who we are, rather than for who we were. It’s an ongoing
struggle--one that we seem to lose more often than we win, reverting
to type and playing out our well-established roles in the family
drama long after we believe we’ve outgrown them.
What we rarely notice while we’re feeling typecast
ourselves, is that we’re making the same typecasting assumptions
about our family members. We’re so concerned that our family members
notice how much we’ve changed and evolved that we don’t take the
time to notice how our family members have also grown.
Since the Universal Law of Relationships states
that our partners in relationships are our mirrors, (and therefore
it’s never about the other person), if we want our families
to accept us for who we are now, all we need to do is to learn
to accept them for who they are now. When we change how we relate
to our families, the way that they relate to us will also change.
It’s quite simple, actually. Unfortunately, simple
isn’t the same thing as easy. Just as it’s taking me time to adjust
my expectations of Candice Bergen and accept her in her new role,
it takes us (and our families) time to adjust our expectations
and begin to relate to each other as adults.
One essential thing to recognize is that anytime
the nature and dynamic of a relationship changes--especially a
long-standing relationship such as a family relationship--we’re
dealing with the question of safety needs.
Let me explain. One of the fundamental things that
our egos need in order for us to feel safe is to know what to
expect. On the most fundamental level, “safe” is the same thing
as “familiar.” We don’t have to like what we expect in
order to feel safe; we simply have to experience what we
Consider this: Our family relationships are some
of the most important (and frequently difficult) relationships
in our lives. We value safety in these relationships tremendously,
because safety often seems to be in such short supply. No matter
how well defended we may feel in the rest of our lives, our family
members always know where (and how) we’re the most vulnerable.
We instinctively cling to what’s familiar (and therefore safe)
in our family relationships, and this results in typecasting.
On a conscious level we may want to embrace our
family members and recognize their evolution as individuals. On
an unconscious level, however, the fact that our family members
are no longer playing their familiar and safe roles in the family
drama is very threatening. We (and our family members) unconsciously
cling to the familiar family dynamic (no matter how dysfunctional
it may be), and try to impose it on our family members—even as
we attempt to escape it ourselves.
There may be some very deep and dark fears at the
root of this. As long as we stick with the original family dynamic,
we’re still a family. We’re bound by blood and we are required
to stay in relationship with each other. Parents are required
to raise and protect children; children are required to live with
their parents and abide by their rules; siblings are required
to put up with each other, or at the very least not fight in a
Once we become adults, however, this dynamic no
longer applies. The thought that our family members are no longer
required to be in relationship with us--and worse, that they could
choose to reject or abandon us--is fundamentally terrifying.
This is not necessarily a universal fear, of course.
But I invite you to consider that we do derive a certain amount
of comfort--and safety--from the knowledge that there are some
relationships that will always be a part of our lives.
So, how do we overcome typecasting in our family
relationships? The same way that we change any belief or pattern
in our lives: through AWARENESS, OWNERSHIP and CHOICE.
First, we become AWARE that our expectations of
our family members may be out of date. Next, we OWN and take responsibility
for our expectations, and for our safety needs. We are responsible
for maintaining the balance in our own safety accounts. It is
not the responsibility of our family members to help us to feel
safe by living up to our expectations of them. Finally, we CHOOSE
to relate to our family members as they are now, rather than as
they were then.
When our family members have difficulties in accepting
us for who we are now, remember that they’re feeling unsafe. Who
we are is unfamiliar and threatening to them. Once we’re AWARE
that we’re involved in a safety issue, we can OWN the situation.
Owning this particular situation means recognizing that we’re
not responsible for the fact that our family members feel unsafe.
We are, however, responsible for making sure that their lack of
safety does not result in us feeling unsafe as well. Finally,
we can CHOOSE to be gentle with our families, helping them get
to know who we are, not making them wrong for relating to us as
we were, and ultimately allowing them to feel safe in our relationship
I’m gradually overcoming my expectations in my
relationship with Candice Bergen, and as a result, our relationship
has improved tremendously. Just imagine how powerful overcoming
typecasting can be in your family relationships!
Kevin B. Burk is the author of
Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every
Relationship in Your Life.
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